Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize