guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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