Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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