I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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