420 ftw
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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