I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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