How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
