I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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