Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
