I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
