I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
