I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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