Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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