So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
