she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
