ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
