dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
