I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
