Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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