I got chris browned last night
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
