she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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