My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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