I want to make a zoo with you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
