drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
