I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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