Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my liver is dry heaving
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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