my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
