If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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