Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
