my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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