He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
