Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
