I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
