Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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