RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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