his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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