I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
