Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
