I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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