I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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