Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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