Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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