My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
