You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
