you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
