ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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