the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
