Ambien. No doubt about it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
