you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
