I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
