Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
