he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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