i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
